Navigating family dynamics, especially when it involves the family of your significant other, can be quite challenging. It’s common to feel like an outsider despite trying to bond and connect with everyone. This feeling of being on the outside can be quite hurtful and difficult to handle. A Reddit user shared a similar situation.
A woman had a conflict with her mother-in-law.
My boyfriend Nick and I have been dating for 3 years, almost 4 now. Before this incident, I got along great with his family. I was invited to spend holidays with them, and we exchanged gifts on birthdays, so I thought we were pretty close.
Every year, Nick’s family goes on a trip; this summer, the trip was to somewhere I really wanted to go. I asked his mom, who was planning the trip if I could tag along if I paid for myself. She said sorry, no, but this was a family trip, and I wasn’t family yet. I told Nick, and he said no one’s s/o was invited, so I wasn’t the only one being excluded. I was still upset but dropped the subject.
It’s now fall, and the weather is getting cooler. Nick’s family was coming over, so I made my family’s chili recipe to celebrate the cold weather. Nick and his family love my chili, so I ensured they had enough to take home. Before Nick’s mom left, she asked if I could share the recipe with her so she could make it for a work potluck. I told her sorry, but this is a secret family recipe. She asked if we already considered family. I replied according to you, we aren’t. After that, she went, “oh, ok,” and then left.
After everyone was gone, Nick told me I was being cruel. I reminded him that his mother was the one who said I wasn’t family first, and she can’t pick and choose when we are. He said that was a completely different situation, and I was being petty. He left after that and has been cold to me for several days. I don’t see how I’m in the wrong here, it’s ok for his mother to deny me something because we’re not family, but when I do it, I’m wrong?
She shared an update on the situation.
I talked with Nick and his mom. After all, we’ve been through it. Hearing her say I’m not family to my face hurt, I explained how I’d been hurt. And it made me feel even worse when she only considered me a family when she wanted something from me. His mom apologized and said she didn’t mean it would come out that way. She was trying to say the trip is like a reward for marriage or an official welcome gift.
Nick apologized, too, saying he didn’t know what his mom told me. He thought she just told me I couldn’t come and not that she didn’t consider me family. He admitted that seeing his mom sad overrode the rational part of his brain, so he didn’t stop thinking and immediately reacted in anger. Although we talked it out, Nick and his mom are walking on eggshells around me, not sure if this is better than them giving me the cold shoulder, though.
She received a lot of encouragement and support from the Reddit community.
- “‘I couldn’t imagine being together for 4 years and finding out they don’t see you as family. My husband’s mom welcomed me into theirs the first time I ever met her — 3 months into dating!
